A Letter to God

Dear God,

For the first 32 years of my life I devoted it to work, play and learning about all of the gifts that surrounded me.

Finally, you gave me a help-mate and 3 beautiful children. Life was good, and we struggled along like so many young families of that day. Our first home was truly a gift, and one that we never ever expected to be able to afford. I was turned down by the bank for a loan as my income was too small for the loan. My in-law suggested that I go see
a family friend who owned a life insurance company to borrow the money to buy it.

The man said that his board had asked that no more loans be granted – as they had so many out, but he said “for you I will make one more”. I remember being asked “how much could I afford to pay on the monthly note”, and being told “you are on a fixed income budget and there are a number of ways to accomplish the financing to fit that budget” – which he did, and you allowed us to move into the new home.

Life continued on for the next 13 years, the children grew, I moved into a higher level position of work, and life continued to get better. Perhaps, we were too good. Illness suddenly appeared in the family, the lovely wife you had given me, became very ill and a 2 ½ year protracted period of one hospitalization and surgery followed by a period of recuperation and then another hospitalization in conjunction with kidney dialysis continued. Gradually the beautiful help-mate grew weaker and weaker, until you decided “no more” – and took her back to your heavenly place to live in peace with you and your son and the holy spirit.

The world seemed so dark, foreboding a place left alone with 3 small children, a demanding job and a home to care for.

A business I had invested in was going broke, creditors were filing lawsuits and my financial world was in ruin.

The pressures of life bore down and the frustrations grew with each passing day. The family was literally hanging on the ropes. I prayed and prayed to you – my life seemed to get only worse and more difficult each day. I remember telling your son – Jesus – that I gave my life to him – I even signed a covenant that was written in a book which had been given to me that I was turning my life over to him. My life – I felt – had become a mess. One night – as I lay in my bed – in that darkened room unable to sleep, with the troubles and cares of my life pressing down on me, I remembered a sermon that Fr Bill Wilcox had given many years earlier at St James on the subject of prayer. Fr Wilcox had said that there were all sorts of prayers, long ones, detailed ones, short ones – each as important as the other. But, he said the most poignant prayer of all was that of a young teenage girl, who, finding herself in great difficulty blurted out in her pain and sorrow “O God – I hurt so much!”. In my pain and hurt, as I lay on that bed, alone in that darkened room, I remembered that young girl, and like her, I too, called out aloud to you in the night, “O God, I hurt so much!”, and miraculously from deep in my inner mind I heard a wee small voice say, “I know… I know”.

Dear God, you never forgot me, never left me. In all of my hurt and pain, though I thought I was alone, you never left me. From that moment in time, in my deepest feeling of despair, you came to me and showed me your love.

Some months later while serving at St James church as an acolyte I was carrying the cross in the procession. My eye caught sight of a little derby hat being worn by one of the most beautiful ladies I had ever seen. During the coffee hour after services I met her and talked at length to her. I asked if she had been at St James before, and she told me that she had been there for the past 2 months. I had never seen her. Lord, in my own feelings of pain and loneliness my eyes and heart had been closed – and you opened them.

You have given me again dear Lord a beautiful life companion. You have taken my pain and given love in its place, you heard my cry in the night, and you answered me. You have never, ever left me.

For all that you have given, for all that are to me, Dear God, I thank you, I love you, I am yours.

In the love of your Son,

Richard